


Inside We Both Know What's Been Going On

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [82]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: '''''platonic''''' date (it's not platonic they're just idiots), '''''platonic''''' marriage (did I mention they're idiots?), Character Study-ish, Fluff, Heinz gets hit around the head with a clue-by-four until he accepts Norm is his son, Holding Hands, Idiots in Love, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, Marriage Proposal, POV Alternating, POV Second Person, POV Third Person Omniscient, Slow Burn, Wedding Fluff, every other chapter's in second person pov, this thing grew a theme of family by the end I guess, yes in that order
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-16 01:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21028208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Letting out a soft sigh, Perry stepped forward, taking Heinz's hands in his own tiny paws. Of course he'd marry his nemesis. Refusing had never been an option.





	1. I Watch You Come, I Watch You Go, You Never Seem To Leave Me Though

**Author's Note:**

> *points at title* They do not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1: Scheme

On an otherwise ordinary day in Danville, extraordinary things lay just around the corner, out in the sprawling suburbs. This, in and of itself, wouldn't cause this day to be anything but ordinary. After all, extraordinary things happened nearly every day.

Away from the suburbs, and well into the city itself, a man stood on his balcony, looking down at the city below, too preoccupied to pay attention to the familiar sights. This man, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, an evil scientist with all the letters after his name that implied (none, as it turned out), had a plan. A scheme. A way to defeat his nemesis once and for all. The only thing he needed now was for said nemesis to show up.

Of course, that still left the scheme itself, but he optimistically chose to believe that _this_ scheme, for once in his life, wouldn't blow up in his face.

Up since before the crack of dawn, he waited as patiently as his nerves would let him, hands thrust into his pocket as he paced his balcony. Patience, alas, was not his strong suit. With shaking fingers he clutched at the day's inator, his secret weapon, a small object that promised that, one way or another, today would be different.

Around nine, the proximity alarm flared to life, playing his evil jingle for the entire neighbourhood to hear. He himself started at the sound, so lost in thought he'd lost track of time. Good thing he'd prepared everything in advance, he reminded himself, smoothing down his habitual lab coat in an effort to regain his composure before his nemesis crashed through the wall again. He'd hate to be caught _off guard_ at his own _thwarting_, after all.

A sharp _crack_ filled the air shortly after, the door falling from its frame to reveal a short figure, silhouetted in shadow. Perry the Platypus had arrived.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, you're just in time," Heinz announced to the room at large, the very picture of faux nonchalance as he lounged back on the couch wide enough even he could stretch out on it. "Come on in, sit down, that's it," he said, patting the seat beside him, and Perry did. "I have a very _special_ scheme for you today. You see, you've always been a _thorn_ in my side, metaphorically speaking- I mean I don't _mind_, you're a _small_ thorn- why are you looking at me like that, I'm not talking about your _height_\- the point is, you, thorn, but no more! Behold!" Fumbling in his pocket, he pulled out a small box, sinking to one knee. "Perry the Platypus, will you marry me?"

Inside the box lay a ring, plain silver, wide enough to hang loose around Heinz's thumb. For one such as Perry, it could just about fit over his paw.

Heinz, sheepishly, looked away, tugging at the sleeve of his lab coat. "Yes, I _know_ it's kind of _large_, I accidentally ordered the wrong size. Not that it _had_ one," he continued, working up to full monologue, "but you know how it is with these online _sales_, and it would have taken _far_ too long to get a _new_ one. And before you bring up _resizing_, I don't _know_ your size, and besides, I'd used up the last of my _alimony_ on another _gargoyle_, it's right over there- Do you like it? The _gargoyle_, not the _ring_\- okay, _yes_ the ring, since it's... an engagement ring? If you _want_ it to be. I know it's supposed to be a whole month's salary, but _look_ at me, do I look like I have that kind of money? Sure, Charlene gives me _way_ too much alimony - she's filthy rich, it's not like she _misses_ it - but I _use_ that! On inators! And food! I can't just _not eat_. And before you say I could just stop _making inators_, I won't. I'm an _evil scientist_! And I get so _lonely_ when you're not here, I monologue to, well, I have this _stand-in_\- It's not the _same_ though. I _really_ hope you're still _there_ by the way because if you're not I'll never forgive you, you know how I am with _petty grudges_, that's what _backstories_ are made of. Do you _want_ to be a backstory, Perry the Platypus? Who am I kidding, you're probably gone already, I'm just delaying the _inevitable_, so I'm going to open my eyes now. Any second. On three. One, two..." Holding his breath, he swallowed down his fear, as if that could put off the moment of truth just that little bit longer. "Three! Looking _now_-"

What he found, upon looking, was his nemesis, Perry the Platypus, staring up at him with soft eyes and a fond smile. And, stretched out to him, Perry's _paw_. Below that, nestled snugly around his wrist, lay the ring, light glinting off the tarnished metal.

"Is that a yes?" Heinz asked quietly, hardly daring to believe. When his nemesis didn't respond that very instant, momentarily stunned by the man's need to _ask_, he forged ahead rather than stew in uncertainty. "I mean, you're still _here_ so it's not a _no way José_\- of course it's not, my name isn't José, it's _Heinz_\- I don't want to _assume_\- But if you _are_, I really hope you _mean_ it, I don't want to get my hopes up for _nothing_," he finished, wringing his hands together.

Deep in his heart, Perry had known this day would come, as inevitably as the rising of the sun, as surely as spring follows winter: on an otherwise ordinary day, his nemesis (a word that had come to mean, not just _enemy_, but _friend_ as well) would push their relationship further than ever before, and he'd have to make a choice.

His thought process, faced with said choice, went a little like this: Heinz was, in certain ways, a brilliant man. A genius with absolutely no sense of self-preservation whatsoever, who needed someone to keep him out of mischief. Perry had been doing that for a while already, in his role as the man's nemesis. Marriage, following this logic, would merely be a formality, a bond to strengthen their nemesisship, giving them both the stability and surety they needed to fulfil their respective roles.

Letting out a soft sigh, Perry stepped forward, taking Heinz's hands in his own tiny paws. Of course he'd marry his nemesis. Refusing had never been an option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from [Sakura Kiss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZiSbAOGepg) from Ouran High School Host Club because I love that show and that song and I can't help myself.


	2. I Should've Known From How I Felt When We Were Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2: Hands

"Isn't this great, Perry the Platypus?" he says, already bouncing on his heels from excitement. Still an hour to wait before the venue opens, but you'd made sure to get him here early, just in case. "Love Händel! You know, I've always wanted to go to one of their concerts, but they're _always_ sold out before I get there! Who would have thought they'd be this _popular_? How _did_ you get the tickets?"

Waiting for online ticket sales to open, mostly, not that you'll ever tell him that. You know him too well. He'd find _some_ way to use it for Evil, and it's not worth the risk.

Before you can so much as shrug, he holds his hands up in front of him, grinning that eager grin of his. "Wait, don't tell me, let me guess. You _know_ them. Orrrrrr, you _obviously_ have special _agent_ privileges, look at you! So _handsome_, and you have your little _badge_ and that _fedora_... I bet you could get anything you want with _those_. That's it, right?"

You shove at his leg, unable to help the smile on your bill, training be damned. Typical Heinz. He always has had an uncanny ability to charm you, without even trying. At least you're off the clock right now, you can afford to let your mask down, be open with your nemesis. You owe him that much.

"Fine, I don't _need_ to know," he says, folding his arms and _pouting_, which, really? The man has an insatiable curiosity that's sure to get him killed someday, like the proverbial cat - fitting, since he is one - he doesn't just _drop_ something. And he hasn't, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye to see if you're convinced yet. It's never going to work, you know that trick, but he's welcome to try.

Rolling your eyes, you lean against him, curling your tail around his ankle. Not somewhere you'd ever expected to feel comfortable but here you are, in your casual fedora, with your nemesis, the ring he'd given you snug around your wrist. Should you be worried that it's this _easy_ to trust him?

His hand bumps against your shoulder and you take it, threading your fingers together in the way that's quickly become familiar. No, you decide, squeezing gently. This is where you're meant to be.

* * *

Being here must bring out the openness in him, as it does you. Over the last hour or so, he's shared more of his myriad backstories, a mix of the mundane and those too traumatic to recount through a scheme. Your heart aches for him through every one. Away from the expectations of your roles, he's shed his bravado, speaking honestly about his past without regard for the crowd around you both.

How a man who's lived through so much pain can still smile, you have no idea, but his grin lights up any room he's in. He's smiling now, and hasn't let go of your paw.

And yet, despite that openness, despite him wearing his heart on his sleeve, you're still no closer to understanding the core of Heinz Doofenshmirtz than on the day you'd first been assigned as his nemesis. You yearn to. Late at night, when you can't sleep, you think over his actions, trying to make sense of them. Failing to make sense of them.

All you can be certain of is that he needs you. As a nemesis, as a friend, as a listening ear who will never judge him for what he's been through.

True to form, he's still talking as you slowly approach the gate, recounting what he cooked for dinner last night, would you like some Perry the Platypus, we could make a date out of it, if you want to, no pressure.

You smile at him, squeezing his finger. How could you refuse this man? Everything he is to you, everything he could be, everything he _will_ be, you're glad he's willing to share it all with you, and eager to see more. Call it curiosity. And if, again like the proverbial cat, it kills you too, so be it.

* * *

Once you're inside, he breaks into a run. His hand, still wrapped around your paw, pulls you after him, lifting you off the ground like he lifts your heart.

Holding your fedora to your head, you let him.

At last he stops, swinging you out in front of him before depositing you back on solid ground. Grin firmly in place, he gestures at the shape of a stage through the growing mass of people. "How's _this_ spot, Perry the Platypus? Good, huh?"

You tug your paw free, climbing up to his shoulders for a better view before he even realises the lack of contact. The two of you are to one side of the arena already, but not enough. If your family sees... You point across his nose to a secluded corner, just barely in view of the stage.

"What, too good?" Crossing his arms, he huffs. "You don't want to be on _camera_?"

Exactly. Just because you're off the clock doesn't mean you can take risks with your cover. Your family gets involved with every notable event in Danville one way or another, there's no question they'll be here tonight. If they saw you-

"Perry? What are you doing here?"

A growl in your throat and already reaching for a pamphlet, you jump to Heinz's other shoulder, glaring behind him to find _Stacy_ standing there. Stacy, who already _knows_. Letting your paw fall, you sigh, pinching the bridge of your bill. Can't she _warn_ you next time?

Folding her arms, she raises an eyebrow. "You're _dating_ this guy now? Weren't you _fighting_ last time? Or is this some kind of love/hate thing?"

You press a paw to Heinz's mouth - you don't need his commentary right now - and shrug at her. Could be a date. If Heinz wants it to be. That's what happens when you're engaged to be married, right?

"Whatever it is, I better not hear about _him_ breaking your heart, I get enough of that from _Candace_." The exasperation in her voice is familiar, with an underlying fondness like your own affection for Heinz. "Which reminds me, I'm gonna get going, before someone wonders where I am and comes looking. See you later, Perry! Enjoy your date!"

With a sigh, you lean against Heinz's head, tipping your hat at her in acknowledgement. That went better than expected.

Heinz pulls your paw away, squeezing tight. "Do you _know_ that girl, Perry the Platypus?" Yes, and he's not finding out how. "Not that I'm surprised, I always thought a handsome platypus like _you_ would have a lot of _friends_-" Says the man who knows more OWCA agents than you do, and you're the one who works in an office full of them. "-and just haven't, you know, _introduced_ me. Is that a _secret agent_ thing or something?"

That the few people who mean the world to you can never meet? Of course it's a secret agent thing. You don't dare risk telling your family about this part of your life, not when it could cost you everything, and Heinz is terrible with secrets.

"No, what am I talking about, it's obvious! 'Perry the Teenage Girl'!" He beams, eyes bright. "You met her in disguise and became friends, right?"

You bump your forehead against his and stifle a laugh, tail curled loosely around his neck. Oh, Heinz. He's more right than he knows, while simultaneously being completely wrong. Does he even remember the time his _inator_ crashed into her house?

From the proud grin on his face from supposedly _figuring it out_, no, no he does not.

Exhaling, his gaze falls to where he's brushing a thumb over your knuckles, smile softening. "You really do have cute little _hands_, you know that? They suit you. I'm not trying to be _weird_ or anything but- Oh, great! It's _starting_! Are you excited, Perry the Platypus? I know I am."

Yes, you decide, squeezing his fingers. Yes you are.

* * *

"Look, Perry the Platypus," he yells in your ear, barely audible over the music, lifting your joined hands to point at the stage. "They're playing _our song_!"

All you can do is roll your eyes. _Heinz_. Trust him to read into this, with his relentless optimism and general lack of common sense. At least there's no attempts at malicious intent this time. Not that this is much better, reeking of his usual wishful thinking.

> You tiptoed in  
And you got under my skin  
You snuck your way right into my heart

...Curse him, he's _right_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title, and the lyrics used, come from [You Snuck Your Way Right Into My Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhxmUQBv29g) by Love Händel, because of course.


	3. Looking For A Way Not To Be Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 3: Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for talk of hypothetical animal/character death.

A true agent never showed fear. That was what Perry the Platypus believed. What he'd been taught to believe.

It's not that he never felt the shock of it curling around his spine or the leaden weight in his limbs, heart skipping a beat to lodge itself in his throat, just that he never let his fear reach his stern gaze. To anyone taking him at face value, he seemed Fearless, with a capital F, to the point it had been printed on his business card.

Perry the Platypus. Fearless.

And yet, if there was one thing Perry himself knew as acutely as the sensation of his paws clenched into fists, it was this: appearances are deceiving. He, with his appearance, deceived. He was Perry, an ordinary pet platypus who didn't do much. Agent P, defending the world from Evil at every turn. Perry the Platypus, _fearless_. All of them disguises to protect himself, all of them masks.

For he wore masks, oh yes. So many, layered upon each other, that he couldn't tell where the masks stopped and _he_ began.

Wearing the masks was easy. He trusted his superiors, as an agent should. He loved his family, as a pet should. He hated his nemesis, as a Good Guy should. Such was the way of the world, and the masks he wore to live in it.

His life, too, had been defined by the labels and names he'd been given. Agent P of the O.W.C.A., ingrained into him from the day he hatched. Bartholomew, for a time, before he became _Perry_. Stoic, professional, simple, loving, _fearless_, Perry. Roles, names, he could live in. Everything laid out in front of him, the expectation its own comfort.

Agent P feared nothing. Existing only for his mission, he didn't need to. There would always be more missions, one way or another, and he would be there to face them.

Perry feared nothing but the vacuum cleaner, secure in the knowledge his family would protect him from everything else. Even himself. When instinct led him to gnaw at his wounds, he'd find himself thwarted at every turn by the dreaded Cone of Shame.

Underneath both, Perry the Platypus existed in a state of flux, both and neither and something else entirely. _He_ feared. Below his masks, he feared, and what he feared most was loss. Losing himself in his masks, losing his certainty in his future, losing those he loved. He couldn't forget how easy it would be for everything to disappear in an instant, the times it almost had. It could all be taken from him in one fell swoop.

And yet, he too lived with a certainty. He'd survive the changes, like he always had, and there would always be more masks to wear, more roles to live up to.

When there weren't, when he could no longer stand under the weight of them, he'd deal with it in the way of all animals: finding a quiet place to drift off to sleep for the last time. By that point, he believed, he'd be old and tired. Or whatever passed for that in the life of an agent. That day would be a long time coming, he hoped, in the small buried part of him that dared hope at all, dared _fear_, didn't feel as his training demanded. The part that loved his family because they were _his_, that claimed his _nemesis_ loved him for it.

Perry the Platypus feared, but he loved too. Love, a love he shared with these few people brave enough to love him first, would carry him through. Family on one side, seeing only the outer mask out of necessity, but no less important with their unconditional love. Nemesis on the other, the only person he dared be his whole self around, free of all the masks he wore, bound only by the ring around his wrist. Around them, he feared nothing, knowing his love would be reciprocated.

No matter what happened, what he did, what was demanded of him, he could come back to these people and know he was loved. Wanted. More than just a wall to hold back the _worst_ of society from tainting the _best_ of it.

And so it went, day after day. He hid his fear, his hope, his love in all the forms it took, pouring the excess, the deep passion he couldn't quite suppress, into his job. Letting it make him a better agent, dedicated to his job for the sake of those he loves.

This day went much the same.

In the morning, his family petted him, fed him, threw a stick for him to watch, petted him some more, and generally left him to his own devices. They'd never asked for more than he gave, never insisted he be other than he was. For that alone, he could love them, and they gave him so much more than that.

In the afternoon, he stayed back after a successful mission to keep his nemesis company while cleaning up. Heinz protested, claiming he didn't need help, halfheartedly enough that Perry knew it for a plea to stay. And stay he did, for this man who'd been abandoned so many times before. Heinz had been told so many times he didn't deserve love that Perry loved him all the more, determined to prove them all wrong, to give healing to the one who'd opened his heart.

In the evening, he returned to his family, shedding his apprehensions and inhibitions with his fedora to bask in their unthinking affection. Each moment he shared with them was a delight, free to be simply a platypus who didn't do much.

Late that night, once everyone had fallen asleep, he slipped down to his lair and switched on the computer. Paws hovering over the keyboard, he swallowed his fear. A request like his was unprecedented. To reveal himself to his family... but his wedding loomed on the horizon, and he yearned to share it with those he loved, so he steeled his nerves and forged onwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tension~ <s>that's not all that tense if you've heard me ramble about this fic in the discord</s>
> 
> Chapter title from [Fear](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYBbsGGsrhM) by Linkin Park, also known as the demo version of Leave Out All The Rest... complete with nonsense filler lyrics in places XD  
It seemed _vaguely_ fitting, I guess. And was also a last-minute decision because titles are hard.


	4. I'm Your Moon, You're My Moon, We Go Round And Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 4: Species

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realised I hadn't really finished any Doofapus stuff (that I remember), and decided to fix that XD Featuring more gratuitous handholding.

"I can explain."

Can he now. You raise an eyebrow, arms folded, asking why, exactly, he turned himself into a platypus again. And why he's soaking wet.

He avoids your gaze, twisting his fingers together. "You know how I can't _swim_? Of course you do, you've _saved_ me - I appreciate that by the way - the point is. I was _thinking_-" A dangerous pastime, for him. "-and I realised, my biggest _problem_ is that I'm not a proper _man_ yet. The high dive thing, if you remember that, so anyway. I thought to myself, if I could just learn to _swim_, I could do it! At least I _hope_ so. And _then_ I thought of _you_. You're so _strong_ and _manly_, _and_ you can swim! So if I turned _myself_ into a platypus - _again_ \- maybe some of that would rub off on me?"

Stepping forward, you take his too-small paws in yours, giving a gentle squeeze as he continues. In reassurance, you hope. A promise that you're here for him. And, most importantly, so he has something solid to hold onto instead of fidgeting.

"I mean, platypuses are semi-aquatic, there has to be _instincts_ somewhere. So, I went through my old blueprints and found my Platyp-inator - you remember _that_ scheme, I'm _sure_ \- built a new one, and, well, you see what happened." He gestures down at himself and you look, taking in the familiar teal fur and webbed feet and tail you see in the mirror, and his paws in yours. "It's so _weird_ having a _tail_ by the way, what's up with that? Then again, you've always _had_ one so I guess you'd be _used_ to it- Anyway. Platypus, instincts, swimming. Except it didn't _work_ and now I'm going to be a _laughing stock_ and- Can you help me, Perry the Platypus?"

Of course. All he had to do was ask. All he _ever_ has to do is ask.

His gaze falls to your joined paws then back up to your face. "You will?" Smiling for the first time since you'd arrived, he captures you in a tight hug. "Oh, _thank_ you, Perry the Platypus," he mumbles into your shoulder. "I really _appreciate_ this, you're just so.... so _heroic_. My _hero_."

You grimace, prying him off, paws lingering on his shoulders to keep him at a distance. Does he _have_ to be so touchy-feely? You're not that sort of platypus, especially not while you're in your work fedora.

"Oh _right_, I forgot you have your _personal bubble_ thing going on," he says, in as close to an apology as you'll ever get from him. "What's up with that, anyway? Is it just _me_ or do you do that with everyone else? It's just me, isn't it. Do I _smell_ or something?"

Shaking your head, you swap your fedora for an off-duty one. It's more that it reminds you too much of _work_. With your other paw, you turn him around to face the monstrosity behind him, large, glass, and mostly full of what you hope is plain _non_-chlorinated tap water. The alternative is pain. Platypuses are meant for rivers and lakes, not human swimming pools.

He turns back to you, eyes shining. "What do you think, Perry the Platypus? Do you like it? And it's all _hidden_ up here so no one's going to _laugh_ at me, unless _you_\- but you _won't_ laugh, will you? Promise you won't?" Behind him, his tail twitches, and you can see the strain in his grin.

Even with this ring on your wrist, he's still afraid you'll hurt him the wrong way. Because of his backstories, you know, though that doesn't make it sting any less. Just adds to your determination to prove them wrong.

A quick sniff shows nothing out of the ordinary in the water, thankfully. Just the strong scent of his fur, the same scent that permeates his lab coats, comforting in its familiarity. Satisfied, you guide him forward and up the stepladder he'd thoughtfully placed next to the tank.

"I'm not sure about this," he says at the top, hesitating. "Do you really think it's a good idea to do this _now_? Can't I, you know, _prepare_? I don't know what I was _thinking_, setting it all up-"

Shoving him over, you climb up next to him, sitting with your back to the water so you can face him. If you can do it, so can he. You believe in him. Then, with a pat to his shoulder, you toss your fedora to the floor by the stepladder and drop in backwards.

Water covers your body, pressing in close like a second coat of fur. You twist, propelling yourself through the water, looping around for the thrill of it. It's been too long since you've had a chance to properly stretch your muscles like this. Your heart lifts as you swim, light enough to keep you afloat, and you lose yourself in the joy of it.

When you return to the surface for air, lungs reminding you platypuses are _semi_-aquatic, he's staring like he's never seen you before. You suppose he hasn't, not like this. Paddling back over, you offer a paw and an encouraging smile.

He exhales, tension falling from his shoulders as he takes it. "If you say so." Leaning on his other paw, he dips a toe in the water, then drops into a sitting position on the edge. His feet and tail dangle in the water, just low enough to cause ripples when he shifts. "Or I could just stay _here_. That's good enough, right? Getting my _feet_ wet. It's pretty _nice_, you should try it, come on."

How could you say no? You nod, letting go of his paw to haul yourself up onto the edge beside him, water running off your fur and back into the tank.

"See? I told you!" Bumping his shoulder against yours, he grins, more easily than before. "It's nice, isn't it? Sitting here with you, I mean. We don't really get much of a chance to _relax_, since _you_ have your _job_ and I have, well, not much, honestly. I scheme and you thwart me, that's about it. But it's _nice_," he repeats. "Knowing you _care_ enough. Is that weird? I think it's weird."

Says the man who asked his nemesis to marry him.

With a fond eyeroll, you chirr softly, taking his paw again. Is this the same titanium as his human hands? Or did his inator create new flesh and bone arms for him? You're not sure. How would you tell?

By asking, probably. Brushing your thumb over his knuckles instead, you fold your paw into his with a gentle squeeze. Small as they are now, and only barely warmer than your own, they're still _his_, this imperfect and brilliant man you're to marry.

That's your answer, isn't it? That it doesn't matter what his hands are made of. They feel real enough, and that's all they've ever needed to be.

He swallows visibly, looking up at the ceiling. At what, you're not sure, but you glance up in case it's important. "And then there's, well, _this_," he continues, in a hushed voice. "Whatever _this_ is. I- I mean, you're _okay_ with it, I guess, since you're _here_-"

Sliding into the pool, you tread water, holding out your other paw for him to take. Which he does.

"Fine, _swimming_," he says, pulling a face. At your tug, he drops into the water anyway, fingers digging into your paws. "I hope you know what you're doing, Perry the Platypus."

Of course you do. You swim closer, nuzzling your bill under his jaw in reassurance. All he has to do is trust you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from [I'm Your Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB52NImXajs) by Jonathan Coulton. It's about Pluto <s>viva la pluto</s> but it fits these two so well anyway, they basically orbit around each other, symbiotically or whatever, and everything else falls away.
> 
> Ended up doing some last-minute edits on this right before posting, RIP. Mostly the perfectionism talking.


	5. Got Some New Glitter Uggs And Lovely Pink Sequinned Crocs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5: Celebration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter you've all been waiting for: the wedding! I've been looking forward to sharing this one for a while 0:-)

On a bright summer's day, like the day the to-be-married couple had met, Heinz Doofenshmirtz stood in front of his wardrobe. What to wear, he wondered. Because of course he had to make a good impression for the awaiting crowd. Something nicer even than his best lab coat, Perry the Platypus had insisted.

Pushing the rack full of identical evil scientist garb aside, he dug through the far reaches of his wardrobe for something, anything, that could be suitable. And, finally, he found it.

The guests wouldn't know what hit them.

* * *

Across the city, in a discount boutique, Perry the Platypus too had a decision to make. He, unlike Heinz, didn't have a wardrobe of clothing to draw from, or at least not one of his own. That would soon change, after he'd picked out an outfit. It wasn't every day he got married, after all. In fact, platypuses in general rarely bothered to do so, let alone secret agents.

And marrying _his nemesis_, that was so unheard of as to have no precedent at all.

He'd invited his family, of course. They meant so much to him, why wouldn't he want them present at his big day? Talking his superiors into it had proved the hard part. It was a matter of security, they'd protested, but he'd held firm. He'd wanted his family there, come what may. And thus, he got his wish, his superiors agreeing on condition of a post-wedding memory wipe, which he'd of course accepted. And so, with a minimum of fuss and pamphlets, it had been done. All that remained was the ceremony itself.

Alas, what little pay he received from his job at OWCA didn't leave much room for something both fancy _and_ suitable for the occasion. Fortunately for his wallet, his sense of style leaned to the odd (and conveniently discounted as no one with taste would even consider it) side. Selecting his outfit from the racks, in what he knew from past experience was his size, he took it to the counter to purchase. 

Once the transaction was complete, he merely had to pull his new clothes on right then and there. The benefits of animal nudism.

* * *

At the venue itself, just before noon, in the local park as Perry had wisely decided his family's back yard was too much of a security risk (even if his boys were experts in making the most out of that space), Heinz waited impatiently at the end of one of the two angled aisles, squinting at his watch and tapping a foot. "Where _is_ Perry the Platypus?" he groused, to hide his rising panic. "He's going to be _late_! For our _wedding_! The nerve of him!"

Meanwhile, at the other aisle...

"Where were you?" Major Monogram demanded as Perry slid to a stop in front of him, still disappointed Perry had elected to walk down the aisle alone. Some things, he felt, were expected, like the parent (so to speak) giving (so to speak) their child (so to speak) to their new spouse.

There were various reasons for this decision, not least that Perry, were he to have accompaniment at all, would not have chosen anyone from his job. His family, in his opinion, lay closer to that ideal.

Another, more public, reason, was to show solidarity with his soon-to-be husband. Heinz had decided to save himself the heartache, his supposed parents having, to the surprise of no one, not bothered to show up. Whether they'd been invited and refused, or Heinz himself had chosen not to share this part of his life with them, was unclear and emphatically not up for discussion, the whole situation touching on a sore spot or thirty.

Regardless, if Heinz had truly wanted them there, the logic went, he would have made it happen. He could be persuasive when he wanted to be, as demonstrated by his imminent marriage to his nemesis.

His ex-wife Charlene, on the other hand, _had_ been invited, and politely taken her reserved seat in the front row. Beside her, their daughter Vanessa, who'd not only been invited but had _demanded_ to come (not that her father would ever deny her), sat, eyes shining with tears. Of joy, mostly.

After all, she'd known her father long enough to see what a difference Perry had made in his life.

In the second, and last, row, beside one Peter the Panda, was Norm, in a specially reinforced chair capable of supporting a giant robot man in his best painted suit. His invitation had been the cause of at least one tense discussion between his two fathers, settled by a few well-placed applications of Perry's elbow to Heinz's ribs, as violence had long been their preferred method of settling minor disagreements.

One such minor disagreement had resulted in there being screens at the entrance to each aisle, to satisfy Perry's desire for the human custom of not seeing his spouse-to-be in wedding garb before the wedding itself. (Another, incidentally, was the reason for the group of backup dancers waiting patiently off to the sides. Heinz's idea.) Supposedly because it was bad luck. Mere superstition, he knew consciously, and yet he couldn't bring himself to take that risk.

"Have you seen what Doofenshmirtz is _wearing_?" Carl hissed to him in a loud stage whisper anyway, trying and failing to be surreptitious, to which Perry shook his head. Of course he hadn't. Whatever the reason for Carl's wide-eyed panic, he'd find out soon enough, after the ceremony began.

Lifting his habitual fedora, he brushed a paw over his head, smoothing down his fur. A last-minute reassurance that he was ready.

Major Monogram was, alas, too tall to nudge him knowingly in the ribs, towering over the platypus, but raised an eyebrow all the same. "Nervous? I was too, before my own wedding. It's not so bad."

All he got in response was a huff as Perry stood up straighter, tail raised and fur immaculate. Of course he wasn't _nervous_, this was _Heinz_. His _nemesis_. If he couldn't declare his commitment to the man _here_ and _now_, how could he do it at all?

At last the hour arrived, announced by the first notes of a song ringing out from a tinny old boombox speaker, some poppy number Heinz had chosen, a combination that left Perry smiling to himself. Taking a deep breath, Perry stepped out from behind the screen, finally looking up into the eyes of the man he was to marry.

Against all odds, Heinz's choice of footwear perfectly matched Perry's own: be-sock'd feet, thrust into a lime green glitter ugg boot on one foot and a pink croc with sequins on the other.

The rest of his garb was, to a casual observer, similarly atrocious. The highlight, or lowlight to most, was a perfectly-tailored wedding dress in a turquoise that almost, but not quite, matched Perry's fur, with neon orange (under protest, Heinz's self-esteem having not yet reached the point where he could accept it without hesitation) highlights woven in for contrast. Skinny legs stuffed into well-worn jeggings, overlaid by his usual plain garters suspending a pair of polka dot socks, rounded off the look. Topped off with a beach visor, he made a sight only Perry could appreciate.

And Heinz looked back. Perry, despite all appearances of possessing _common sense_, had apparently decided platypus-sized jorts were the height of fashion. Not just that, but a plaid bowtie in orange and green over his bare chest, matching suspenders, and an understated silver engagement ring still firmly in place around his wrist.

In the Flynn-Fletcher group, with her family and best friend, one Candace Flynn, who had come in at the last minute to organise the entire wedding, suppressed a scream. If anyone asked, as said best friend would at the reception, she'd claim it was a scream of excitement in celebration of the union of her brothers' pet platypus and Vanessa's dad who, so far as she knew, Perry had found on his daily excursions. This claim of enjoyment was, of course, a lie. In truth, the unfortunate mix of colours against her carefully picked-out decorations had caused her intense emotional pain.

Behind her sat her parents, still a little baffled at the prospect of anyone in their family getting married so soon. On her other side, Phineas fidgeted, not a hint of betrayal in his expression. The benefits of _not_ throwing away informative pamphlets.

Finally reaching the centre, the two grooms faced each other, croc to croc, ugg to ugg, hands meeting paws as they turned towards the one person who'd volunteered to officiate their wedding: one Ferbs Fletcher. Despite his young age, the boy had been ordained in several major religions, purchasing his qualifications online where no one could turn him away based on age.

"We are gathered here today," he announced, in his usual clear diction and calm tone, "to celebrate the wedding of Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Perry Flynn-Fletcher-"

"You have a last name?" Heinz interrupted, looking back at Perry with betrayal in his eyes. "Why didn't you _tell_ me? I was _going_ to change my name to 'Heinz the Platypus'," said Heinz, who'd been searching for someone to belong to for the last forty-eight years, "but if that's not even your _name_-"

Cutting him off with a squeeze of his fingers, Perry met the man's gaze, willing his nemesis to understand just how much Perry would do for him. If that meant changing his own name so they could make something new together, so be it.

Ferb raised an eyebrow at the two of them. _Are you done?_, this eyebrow asked.

Perry, with another squeeze of Heinz's fingers, nodded. They'd have time to discuss it all later, while filling out the paperwork to cement their marriage in writing. In the meantime, they had a ceremony to finish.

With a soft exhale, Heinz closed his eyes, reminding himself why he was doing this. "Perry the Platypus," he began. "I... I forgot to rehearse my _monologue_." Letting go of one of Perry's paws, he raked a hand through his hair. "It's so hard to _think_ in the _moment_, you know how it is, and then you write it down but you lose it and it's never really the same- Okay, no, you're right. Calming down. See, this? This is why I'm _here_. With _you_, at our... our _wedding_. I don't know why you chose me, or why you said _yes_, but I... I'm _grateful_, Perry the Platypus. _You_ are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I really do mean that, even though you, you know, _thwart_ me all the time, but that keeps it interesting! I wouldn't be _half_ the evil scientist I am today without _you_, and that... I want to keep doing that. Fighting you, for as long as you'll have me as your _nemesis_. How does that sound, huh?"

Tears in his eyes, Perry chirred, a soft smile on his bill. Of course he felt the same way. This man in front of him had singlehandedly turned his whole life upside down from the moment he stumbled in, giving him the nemesisship he'd always wanted, an equal in every way that mattered. He wouldn't have it any other way.

A cough interrupted their heartfelt display of devotion. "Do you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, take this platypus to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Ferb prompted, getting straight to the point.

"I do," Heinz murmured, quieted by the weight of the moment.

Satisfied, Ferb turned to the other groom, the pet platypus he'd long suspected wasn't entirely what he seemed. "And do you, Perry Flynn-Fletcher, take this man as your lawfully wedded husband?"

What could Perry do but agree? After all, he'd come _this_ far.

"Then, by the powers invested in me by Her Majesty and the internet, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now-" He checked his notes. "-fistbump?"

"It's not _my_ fault Perry the Platypus is so _short_," Heinz protested to the watching crowd, in response to the obvious yet unspoken question. "Look at him, there's no way I can bend down that far, and I don't think _he's_ much for being _picked up_. He doesn't like when _I_ do it, anyway. Believe me, I've _tried_, and he always _hits_ me."

Perry (who had suggested the fistbump in the first place) huffed, pulling his paw from Heinz's hand and raising it as if to throw a punch. A sight familiar to Heinz. Less familiar was the fact he held the pose, rather than immediately driving his fist into Heinz's sensitive areas.

Staring at his nemesis's curled fist, Heinz blinked. "Oh," he said, when realisation struck, "_oh_, fistbump, _right_. You could have _warned_ me, you know." He grinned, lifting his own fist. "Shall we?"

They missed.

Heinz's punch swung wide, while Perry's landed squarely below a kneecap, sending the man's leg flying into the air in a high kick. The skirt of his dress caught in the breeze and, all at once, the watching audience thanked the universe for the existence of jeggings, a sentiment never seen at any other moment before nor since.

"That's my cue. Watch this, Perry the Platypus," Heinz declared as his leg fell, ushering in his backup dancers for the inevitable kickline. For this was Heinz Doofenshmirtz, lover of over-the-top choreography, always ready to perform for a breathless crowd.

At the last second, Perry slipped his paw into Heinz's hand again, with a squeeze. He, too, was pulled into the ensuing dance.

* * *

A short while later, Major Monogram lay on the ground, out cold. One lone pink croc sat beside him, untouched since its flight through the air.

Perry, his sock now stained with grass, wrung his fingers together as he watched a group of otherwise off-duty agents bear his superior away on a stretcher. That was his bonus check gone, he knew. And any chance of a raise. Why hadn't he secured his croc?

A warm weight settled around his shoulders, a hand he'd long grown familiar with. "Don't worry, Perry the Platypus," Heinz said, smiling down at his new husband, "I'm sure it'll be fine. Go talk to your, what are they, your family? They seem like nice kids. Go talk to them, I'll handle this." With another pat to Perry's shoulder, he strode forwards, catching Carl by the shoulder.

"What do _you_ want, Doofenshmirtz?" Carl growled, pushing his hand off.

"For _you_ to tell _Francis_ you've erased _their_ memories," Heinz said, gesturing at where Perry was hugging the two boys tight. "Unless you want _me_ to tell him about _Doctor Coconut_..." Trailing off meaningfully, he grinned a grin with just a hint of the evil he was known for, more concerned with petty victories than anything malevolent.

Recognising this, Carl groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fine." Everything about this was against protocol _anyway_, he reasoned. What was one more?

Heinz clapped his hands together. "Good! I mean, _bad_, I'm still _evil_. OWCA's public enemy number three, that's me. So! If he asks about this, and he _will_, this whole _shoe_ incident was _my_ fault."

"I'm leaving."

"You will tell him, right? Right?" Heinz called, as Carl disappeared with the rest of the agents. "Of course he will, what am I worried about? Now, where did Perry the Platypus go?"

The small paw finding its way back into his hand was answer enough.

He turned to face his nemesis and husband, smiling fondly. "There you are, Perry the Platypus. How much of that did you hear? I swear it wasn't _evil_\- well, maybe a _little_\- it's for a good cause! Are you proud of me yet?"

Laughing, light-hearted and so, so proud, Perry pulled him along to where his family waited. The family he'd wanted to introduce his nemesis to for so long.

"Where are we going- _Oh_, your _family_! We should tell them the good news! Do you want to do it or should I? I mean, you can't _talk_\- Isn't this the girl we saw at that concert? Why is she _here_? I knew it, you _do_ know her! By the way, if you think we're not going to _dance_ after this, you have another think coming. But not a _kickline_, don't you worry about _that_, I think we've _both_ had enough of _those_ for a while-"

As afternoon turned to evening, they took no notice of anyone around them, unable to keep their eyes off each other. Hearts beating in sync, they danced together, in a celebration of love, family, and their nemesisship. Everything they could ever need.

And thus went the first day of the rest of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from [Tacky](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq7Eki5EZ8o) by Weird Al. Which genuinely sounds Heinz, personality-wise XD
> 
> This was actually one of the first ones I had an idea for, and one of the few where I stuck to that first idea. Hashtag no ragrets. Also the longest one incidentally, double the length of most of the others.
> 
> Side note, the only discussion Perry and Heinz had on what to wear for their wedding was Perry insisting that Heinz did deserve his favourite colour after all. Everything else was chosen completely separately. _Everything._ I just want to make that clear.


	6. I Still Hear Your Voice When You Sleep Next To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 6: Day off.

You wake up, reluctantly. Mornings have never been your favourite time of day. Mostly because they're always time you _could_ be sleeping but _aren't_, time sacrificed for your family or your job. A willing sacrifice, to be sure, but that doesn't make it any easier to haul yourself away from sleep each day.

Why is everyone you love a morning person.

Even Heinz, your _nemesis_, is usually up bright and early with a scheme for you to thwart. But not today. Today, he's still asleep under you, arm around your waist, snoring gently. He's oddly cute like this. Innocent. When he's awake he's constantly moving, but here, he's peaceful, undisturbed by his thoughts, occasionally pawing at the air the way you do while off duty.

This Heinz, at peace and adorable, this Heinz is yours. The soft side of him, the unguarded heart of this man you, inexplicably, love. He's _yours_, your nemesis, your _husband_, and you have the whole of the rest of your life to show him that.

Starting from your honeymoon, using the day off your superiors had so generously given you, although you suspect most of that generosity came from the letter Heinz wrote, promising both good behaviour on the day and also vengeance if you don't get the time off to enjoy it. That's what you get for marrying Evil, isn't it.

You exhale, allowing yourself a smile. Yes, yes it is. And you don't regret a thing. He may be Evil but he's _petty_, spreading small-time mischief, more of a danger to himself than to anyone else. Not a threat, not any more.

If you shift just slightly, you can hear his heartbeat, strong and steady like the man himself. In sync with yours. Always synchronised, always yours.

He rarely sleeps this late, you know, a tired glance at your watch confirming you're well into mid-morning. Whatever drives him out of bed normally, you're glad he can put it aside for today. It'll be good for him to get some proper rest for once.

And you, always on alert, ready to leap into action at a moment's notice, you're glad of the break too. How long has it been since the last time you woke up naturally? Too long. Your superiors always say Evil never rests, and that means you don't either. And yet, right here, right now, Evil _is_ resting, mumbling softly in his sleep, with you laid out on his chest like a pillow and only barely more awake.

Secure in the arms of your nemesis, you let yourself drift back to sleep. He could hurt you so easily here, if he wanted to, and he won't. Not because he can't, but because there are rules. A promise he made. A promise he's _kept_. A promise to hurt you in the _right_ way.

He shifts under you and yawns. "Good morning, Perry the Platypus," he mumbles, curling his arm tighter around you. "That was some _wedding_, huh? How's my favourite guy doing?"

Tucking your head under your arm, you chirr, too exhausted to open your eyes. It _is_ a good morning, you missed half of it.

"Tired? Me too, and I haven't slept that well in _years_. No _really_, not since- I can't _remember_ but it has to have _happened_, right? Must have been all that _dancing_ we did. That was great, wasn't it? Did you have fun? Yeah, you did." He hums to himself, running his fingers absently through your fur, rhythmic and soothing. "Okay, um, I don't mean to be _rude_ but I have to ask... Do you _normally_ wear your cute little _hat_ to bed? I mean, it _suits_ you, but you've got to admit it's a little _weird_. Is it because you're always rushing off? Have to be ready at any moment? I'm like that with my _arms_\- okay, it's more that I don't _feel_ right without them, but you get the idea."

You do get it, and he's completely wrong. The reason you didn't bother taking it off is so he can _recognise_ you. Which, considering his track record there, is vital. You didn't want him to wake up and think you're _Steven_ again. Once is enough.

Stroking your fur, he exhales, bringing his other hand up to scritch under your jaw. "Is this how you spend your days off, Perry the Platypus? Because I could get used to this. _Scheming_ really takes it out of you, believe me. It's nice to, you know, step back a little and _relax_. We don't even have to get up today, I can ask Norm to bring us breakfast, he's almost got the hang of it now, it'll be _great_... as long as you like your eggs crunchy. Wait, is that offensive? The _egg_ thing, since you're, you know, a _platypus_, you can- not you _personally_\- I mean, _probably_\- _That's_ going into a weird area, never mind, let's just pretend I never asked. So. What _do_ you eat? I'd _hate_ to be a bad _host_. Husband. Because I'm your- I'm still not used to that, I never thought you'd actually go through with it, but you _did_, and- Does it bother you? I really hope it _doesn't_, that would just be _awkward_. Like this monologue. I'm monologuing again and don't know how to stop, answer me, Perry the Platypus."

With a groan, you stretch your paws over your head, pressing a finger to his lips. Then, once he's _shut up_, you grab his hand and drag it to an itch in your side. If he can just scratch it for you...

He takes the hint, digging his fingers in just the right amount, and you melt into him.

"Have I mentioned how _handsome_ you look in that bowtie?" he says, rolling you onto your back so he can get to your belly. "Because you do. Especially without anything else, just the hat and bowtie, _wow_, talk about a sight for sore eyes. Although I do have to question the lack of a _shirt_ yesterday. Was that a fashion statement? I'm not _complaining_, it's a good look for you - _everything's_ a good look for you - but you have to admit it's a _little_ strange to go around _topless_ when you're wearing _pants_."

Humans and their hangups. What's the point of clothing, beyond providing extra warmth? It's tight and confining in a way that reminds you too much of _work_, the fabric rubs your fur the wrong way if you wear it too long, and you have fur to protect you from the cold _anyway_. Isn't it more natural to go without? Naked as the day you hatched, but for the dress fedora still on your head.

Not that he has any room to talk, with his habit of stripping down to his underwear at a moment's notice. He's lucky you stopped him yesterday. _One_ disaster was enough.

You push his hand away and sit up, pulling the bowtie off to toss it onto the pile of abandoned clothes by the door. _So_ much better. Stretching, you make yourself comfortable against him and, with a grateful pat to Heinz's knee, call home for the first time.

"Perry! It's good to see you, buddy," Phineas says as soon as they pick up, the both of them squished into the frame. "We were just talking about you. How's everything going over there?"

Glancing up at Heinz, you smile, paw curling around his finger. Better than you could ever have hoped for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from [Everytime We Touch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_wg1b0QVk) by Cascada.
> 
> ...Not that that means they've kissed. Because they haven't. *shakes head* Idiots, both of them.


	7. If Anyone Could Make Me A Better Person, You Could

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Love

Marriage, as it turned out, wasn't all that different from how things had been before. Heinz still schemed, Perry still stopped him, they still shared quiet moments afterwards in the company of their nemesis and now-husband. For of course they were still nemeses. A simple piece of paper, like their friendship before it, could never erase the importance of their nemesisship.

Everything else, they would weather. Together.

Such as Perry the Platypus, no longer trapped by secrecy, building new relationships with the family he'd adored for so long. Five long years of wishing, granted by a man proclaiming himself Evil.

Or Heinz the Platypus, no longer carrying the name of the parents who had hurt him so. Instead, he bore a ring on a thin chain necklace, words carved into the metal: his new name. So he could never forget it, Perry's gentle touch had suggested, upon pressing it into his palm.

He fidgeted with it now, rolling it between his fingers, pausing every now and then to read the inscription again. _Heinz the Platypus_. Just the thought of it was enough to take his breath away.

Just knowing Perry the Platypus had chosen this. Perry the Platypus had chosen _him_. Sure, so had Charlene and look how _that_ turned out, they'd been married for years before the cracks started to show _there_, but- but that had never been as _easy_ as things were with Perry the Platypus. Only now could he see what she'd meant by _not meant for each other_. Only when he looked at Perry the Platypus - the comfortable routine they'd fallen into, the trust they'd built, the ease with which their hands came together - could he see how unhappy his first marriage had been.

That was all in the past, he reminded himself, tucking the ring back into his shirt. Things were different now. Perry the Platypus, apparently, cared about him. And if Perry the Platypus didn't show up _soon_, he'd be _late_ for Heinz's _scheme_.

"Good morning, sir!" Norm boomed, crashing through a wall as always, the doorways rarely designed with someone of his bulk in mind. "Can we go to the park today?"

"Not right now, I'm waiting for Perry the Platypus," Heinz snapped automatically, his mind elsewhere, barely noticing the ring making its way back into his fingers.

For a split second, Norm hesitated, mouth twisting in an approximation of a frown. Then it faded, and he forged ahead. If anything could catch the attention of his father, it would be this: "When you're done, can I show him _my_ inator?"

"You made an inator?" Turning to face his son, Heinz raised an eyebrow, impressed despite himself. "What does it do? Do you have a _monologue_ prepared? You can't share an _inator_ without a _monologue_ about your _backstory_. I mean, you _can_, but it's _poor form_. Can I see it? To make sure you didn't _screw it up_."

Norm's expression brightened, eyes literally flashing with delight, and he swung an arm back to gesture at the hole he'd made in the wall. "Of course! Right through there, sir!"

Entering, Heinz found the closet Norm had been using as a makeshift bedroom, full of clutter with little room left over for a lonely robot boy. The whole scene reminded him entirely too much of his own childhood bedroom, a fact he quickly tried to forget. "So? Where is it? I swear, if this is another _prank_-"

"Here it is," Norm said, standing proudly beside what at first glance seemed like a pile of scrap metal. And on second glance too.

On the third look, Heinz took note of the wires running through it, all carefully, albeit inexpertly, soldered in place. Still, it all looked correctly wired, despite the sloppy design. As an evil scientist, it was his business to know these things, mostly so he'd know how far to stand back.

"It looks... _good_," Heinz forced out, grudgingly. "Very _evil_."

That was about the time Perry kicked down the door to the apartment to the sound of his music sting, ready to apologise for being late. He'd been caught up in, well, _traffic_ wasn't the right word.

Heinz exhaled in relief. "Oh, he's _here_. I..." Frowning, he turned back to his son. "You know, I just realised, my scheme isn't _ready_ yet. Why don't _you_ take this one," he suggested, eager to avoid pain today. Even marriage couldn't make Perry the Platypus pull his punches. "Show him your scheme, he'll like that. I'll, uh, I'll _supervise_."

With that, he walked out to greet his husband, leaving Norm alone again.

"No trap today, Perry the Platypus," he said, not quite out of earshot. "Norm's taking this one so if you could, you know, go _easy_ on him- Stop trying to read into this, it's not _becoming_." Brief silence, presumably for Perry to make a brief gesture. "_My_ inator's _great_, I just think he _deserves_ to see what it's like so he stops _asking_." Another pause, in which even the air reeked of scepticism, punctuated by shuffling feet. "Okay, okay, it's evil scientist block again. Make sure you don't _break_ him this time, by the way. Do you know how long it took me to catch a new squirrel after what you did _last_ time? _Far_ too long, let me tell you." Perry's long-suffering sigh wasn't audible from the closet, but it didn't need to be. "Fine, you win," Heinz conceded. "Perry the Platypus, will you _please_ thwart my giant robot man? I didn't put him up to this, if that's what you're thinking, _I_ only found out he'd made an inator five minutes ago! Oh you will? Great! Wait where are you- Oh! I see now, you're already- That's good. He'll be so happy."

Footsteps approached, and Perry knocked at the closet door, pointedly ignoring the hole.

Opening the door, Norm looked down at the brown fedora near his feet. "Hello, Perry the Platypus. Did you come to see my inator?"

Yes, yes he did.

What followed was a few awkward minutes of dragging Norm's inator from the closet, Heinz yelling directions without actually helping at all, until finally it lay somewhere near the centre of the main lab. Norm waited beside it until Perry was in position, and began.

"I made this inator to win the heart of-"

"_Backstory_, Norm," Heinz said, circling around the inator in curiosity.

Norm's smile fell, but he rallied, ready to try again. "A few weeks ago I met this _amazing_ woman and we really hit it off. Her father wouldn't let me see her, but this should change his mind: an inator to destroy inizers."

Poking through the wiring, Heinz lifted his head. "_Rodney_? You want revenge on _him_? I can't say I _blame_ you, but it'll never work. He'll know it was _me_, by which I mean my giant robot man, and then- Hey, what does this button do?" he asked, already jabbing a finger at it.

"The self-destruct button! You always use it, but you never put in enough explosives-"

Perry moved before he'd finished, tackling Heinz to the hard metal floor and out of the larger-than-normal blast radius a moment later. Frantic, he checked his husband for injuries, paws running over every part of him he could reach. Finding none, the adrenaline thrumming through his veins drove him to press his mouth to the man's in relief.

Kissing, it must be said, had not been in either of their plans. Not because they'd discussed it before, or even after, their marriage, because they hadn't. The status quo was fine, why change it? That was how their reasoning would have gone, had the thought had ever crossed their minds.

Pulling back, Perry trembled, the ramifications of his actions hitting him all at once. Below him lay his nemesis, his husband, still dazed from the initial impact. How would he react once he realised?

"Do that again," Heinz whispered, and Perry gladly complied.

* * *

After a few seconds, they parted, not wanting to make too much of a scene in front of their son. Even if that scene would merely be soulful gazing into each other's eyes. And a smug grin from Perry as he nodded his head in Norm's direction. The family resemblance, he felt, was clear.

With a cough, Heinz stood, brushing the soot off his lab coat. "Wasn't that exciting?" he said, forcing a grin. "Your first _thwarting_. Still room for _improvement_ but-"

Perry chirred, jabbing at his shin with a sharp elbow.

"I'm _getting_ there, Perry the Platypus. Have some patience, sheesh! So, uh..." Swallowing, Heinz turned his attention back to Norm. "Perry the Platypus thinks we should rebuild your inator." Wincing at the next jab, he continued, "Together. Maybe it'll take Rodney down a peg, huh?"

"I'd like that, sir!"

"Father," Heinz corrected, before his courage failed him. "I'm your... _father_." Reaching down for Perry's paw, he squeezed, taking comfort in the contact. "Your _other_ father insisted."

The look of betrayal Perry threw at him for that was, in his opinion, _absolutely_ worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hashtag Norm has two dads.
> 
> Chapter title from [Must Have Done Something Right](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1WMeKk2qqY) by Relient K, which I've associated with these two idiots since I saw [_this video_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCbeHvi5GtU).
> 
> Legit just finished this a few minutes before posting, rip XD Even after starting the ship week stuff months in advance.

**Author's Note:**

> Title, of course, comes from [Never Gonna Give You Up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) by Rick Astley. Did I have any other options? XD
> 
> Perryshmirtz server link in series description as always, come yell at me for my crimes.


End file.
